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qadhafi
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Joined: 25 Jan 2004
Location: Hippiekickerville, USA

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 2:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like ham. Drack then said.....
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MonkeyBiz
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Joined: 09 Jan 2004
Location: Grand Haven Michigan

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 2:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have a hot, succlent honey of a ham. He reached behind him and grabbed...
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ThePhantum
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Joined: 23 Jan 2004
Location: I knew it...I'm surrounded by Assholes!

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 2:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damn...this thing is getting long! Since it's hilarious when you read it in it's entirety...here's a rollup laugh



Once upon a time in Pennsylvania there was a young man named Wally. He was worshipped by an odd group of easily influenced folks that mistook a Birthday gift tag for a commandment. One day, while worshipping Wally his most adoring disciple named Keith decided that he too wanted to be worshipped like Wally, So he bitch slapped a lonely farmer, then proceeded to fabricate a potato gun and shoot potatoes at the sleeping cattle. After venting his lack of godliness on the poor unsuspecting cows he returned home and demanded that his farm colony of Gold-flecked Ant's remove all of the honey that he had been pouring on his body for three days.

When the ants had finished, he laid in the grass thinking exotic thoughts of Todd and Drack when the militant PETA enforcers pounced upon him for the potato gun incident, but those tree hugging vegetarians were no match for the mighty carnivore, and he thrashed them...only to have reinforcements from the local Police Department arrive. These mighty law enforcers soon overpowered him and before he knew what had hit him he was thrown into a dark, damp dismal cell. He pounded on the door of the cell. "Let me out you bastards" he yelled. He whirled and looked behind him as a low, barely audible grunting noise came from the darkest corner of the cell. He nearly wet himself when he realised what his yelling had accomplished. He had disturbed ........... Bubba ............the pigmy tooth fairy troll who stomped from the corner, holding a rubber chicken which he proceded to ram up Keith's oopsee-daisey. From out of the blue an elderly fellow with 2 onions strapped to his belt and spoke with a French accent, claimed to be the Count of Monte Christo who had been digging an escape tunnel for the past 75 years who said "I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?! No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a! "

Meanwhile, 'drack who was dressed in drag, was hitchhiking his way to Pottsville to take over the Yuengling brewery. The minute he walked in, security had him. Then, without any hesitation, he turned to the guards and pulled out his gigantic, thick salami sub and sat down on a bench with the newly converted hippie, Qad....they started to converse about peace and love while Qad had a bowl of tofu and noodles....Qad hugged him and with a peace sign waving he was pulled away by security and kicked repeatedly, they threw him out the door and into a giant pile of moose dung, which was conveniently located on top of a cross dressing hippie named Qad...Qad dug his way out and tossed 'drack off his pile of dung claiming that he worked hard to collect this pile...Qad threw up the peace sign again and asked 'drack to move off his plot of dung.

'drack walked down the street to find Keith, who had escaped through the tunnel by beating the elderly Frech taunter with the rubber chicken. Keith and 'drack gazed lovingly at each other, grasped each others hands and made out for hours......swapping spit.....tongues in mouths.....in ears....hickies on necks...they made it back to Keith's Maytag box he calls his home where they proceeded to flog each other repeatedly with lunch meat. They were about to move on to using cheese, when suddenly a f*cking hippie named Qad came in a broke it up in the name of peace...drack and Keith took out a large ham steak and proceded to smack the damn hippie around with it while he begged for the pain to stop. after many brutal kicks to the back and head they threw the dirty hippie down the stairs with a bar of soap....Keith and drack went back inside and covered each other with miracle whip and peeled grapes when they heard thephantum sucking the life out of an innocent, the jumped to the resue of the victim, when they realized that Owen had not yet been dragged into this mess of a story.

So they hopped on a bus to Jersey where Owen was living with his transexual dog, and bisexual cat who wasnt quiet sure if he was really bisexual or just going through and experimental phase and was secretly envious of the transexual dog that was clearly the favorite pet. Either way the bus ride was incredibly weird because they were still wearing JUST miricle whip and hot body paint, which was what they were doing on the bus to pass the time. Then, suddenly the bus driver yelled raisins, which used to be grapes, but are now raisins due to the intense passion that they have for each other. They got off the bus and stepped over the bloody carcass of nikon, kicking him in the groin for smelling like a gerbil. After they were through kicking his bloody and smelly corpse they knocked on Owen's door. To their surprise it wasn't Owne who opened the door but none other than Mike...who, not surprisingly, was wearing nothing but Crisco and saran wrap. He asked them in and they all had potato chips and started to watch "The Young Ones" when suddnely GT popped out of the cake in the corner wearing nothing but Janet Jackson's old costume from the Superbowl half time show - post "wardrobe malfuntion". She announces that she come to avenge the Count of Monty Cristo who was previously beaten with a rubber chicken and proceeds to smother owen (who is handcuffed to the radiator and wearing a ball gag) with mustard. Then she began to scream hysterically when she saw the collection of freaks that are standing before her. She then said "Screw you guys...I'm going home" when all of the sudden Owen started convulsing because he had an alergic reation to the mustard. To keep him from swallowing his tounge Keith shoved the rubber chicken into his mouth.

Meanwhile GT gets an evil look in her eye pulls out a stealthy looking black walkie talkie and calls for back up.. "Foxforce One this is GT... we have a situation" And smiles. Nano Seconds later Martha Steward arrives fashionably on time and perfectly dressed in her plaid and pastel bustier, color coordinated to match her spring collection of k-mart towels. She immideatly scolds the host in saran wrap for his poor chioce of entertaining tupperwear and ties him up next to owen assuring everyone "Grey Poupon is a fabulous color for spring". GT leaves realising this situation being handled by a true Genius of evil. Martha then proceeds to wash behind Owen's ears using her own spit, they were simply discusting. This in turn excited Owen... It had been so long since he had a supermodel of a women share her spit with him.

This was too much for Keith and drack to take. So they promptly left Owens' love den and decided to go back to PA and see Dozer. When they got there they found that Dozer hadn't done laundy in 3 weeks, and had no clean underwear or pants, so he was wearing a tutu, while dancing around the room like a ballerina. When he realized that he had company he stopped dancing and said "I like ham". Drack then said I have a hot, succlent honey of a ham. He reached behind him and grabbed...

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97 XJ Sport with a bunch of stuff
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Never argue with idiots, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience


Last edited by ThePhantum on Thu Mar 04, 2004 2:46 am; edited 6 times in total
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ThePhantum
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Joined: 23 Jan 2004
Location: I knew it...I'm surrounded by Assholes!

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 2:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

a potbellied pig...which, although not mentioned before, had been following them for hours. The pig looked at dozer quizically and said...
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97 XJ Sport with a bunch of stuff
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Never argue with idiots, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience
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MonkeyBiz
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Joined: 09 Jan 2004
Location: Grand Haven Michigan

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 2:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"My farts smell like Bacon".

(I make myself laugh soooo hard sometimes rofl )
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ThePhantum
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Joined: 23 Jan 2004
Location: I knew it...I'm surrounded by Assholes!

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 2:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

They all laughed and had a group hug. Afterwards they each shotgunned a beer and Dozer knocked himself unconcious trying to crush the can on his head. So Keith and Drack decided to....
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97 XJ Sport with a bunch of stuff
Quote:
Never argue with idiots, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience
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MonkeyBiz
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Joined: 09 Jan 2004
Location: Grand Haven Michigan

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 3:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Let the pig attempt mouth to mouth CPR... when the pig, whose name happened to be Hank...
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PAJeeper
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Joined: 02 Jan 2004

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 3:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

a.ka. Geep who was worshipping a thoroughly egocentric demi god named William the Smarmy ..............
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ThePhantum
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 3:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

who also went by the name Troy. The pig first needed to offer a sacrifice to Troy before he could perform any life saving manuevers. So he proceeded to...
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Quote:
Never argue with idiots, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience
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WhatWasIThinkin
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Joined: 02 Jan 2004
Location: Epping New Hampsha

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 4:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

..ban thephantom for making that comment and then relizing the error of his ways proceeded to.......
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ThePhantum
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 4:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thrash Todd about head with uncooked breakfast sausage links.

After what would become known as "The Sausage Incident", Keith and Drack found it too bizarre, so they decided to.....
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Quote:
Never argue with idiots, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience
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PAJeeper
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Joined: 02 Jan 2004

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 7:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

drive to Kentucky to find Keith, and as 'drack is also Keith this got terribly confusing for their simple minds so they decided to ......
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Keithtj
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Joined: 05 Jan 2004
Location: Out of jail now

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 8:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Party with the KY Keith(me), and we had fun visiting strip clubs and bars. We left the bars at 5 AM, and stumbled onto
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PAJeeper
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Joined: 02 Jan 2004

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 9:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

the road where KY Keith was run over by an 18 wheeler that squashed him so flat that Keith and Keith were able to roll him up like a carpet and take him to the nearest garage. They didn't have any money for the air pump so they mugged an old lady that was passing by and took all her quarters. Luckily they had enough and managed to re-inflate Keith, although he now looked like the Michelin man through overinflation. At this point they .......

Last edited by PAJeeper on Thu Mar 04, 2004 9:34 am; edited 1 time in total
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nikon
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Joined: 27 Jan 2004
Location: Burlington, Vermont

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 9:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

[you sound so crushed rofl rofl rofl ]
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9. Thou shalt not kill. Unless some motherf****r is coming into your house to take your s**t! - The Nuge
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