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MonkeyBiz
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Joined: 09 Jan 2004
Location: Grand Haven Michigan

PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 10:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

he didn't have steal toes boots on, and didn't want to injur his precious twinkle toes.
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ThePhantum
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Joined: 23 Jan 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 10:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The latest roll up...


Once upon a time in Pennsylvania there was a young man named Wally. He was worshipped by an odd group of easily influenced folks that mistook a Birthday gift tag for a commandment. One day, while worshipping Wally his most adoring disciple named Keith decided that he too wanted to be worshipped like Wally, So he bitch slapped a lonely farmer, then proceeded to fabricate a potato gun and shoot potatoes at the sleeping cattle. After venting his lack of godliness on the poor unsuspecting cows he returned home and demanded that his farm colony of Gold-flecked Ant's remove all of the honey that he had been pouring on his body for three days.

When the ants had finished, he laid in the grass thinking exotic thoughts of Todd and Drack when the militant PETA enforcers pounced upon him for the potato gun incident, but those tree hugging vegetarians were no match for the mighty carnivore, and he thrashed them...only to have reinforcements from the local Police Department arrive. These mighty law enforcers soon overpowered him and before he knew what had hit him he was thrown into a dark, damp dismal cell. He pounded on the door of the cell. "Let me out you bastards" he yelled. He whirled and looked behind him as a low, barely audible grunting noise came from the darkest corner of the cell. He nearly wet himself when he realised what his yelling had accomplished. He had disturbed ........... Bubba ............the pigmy tooth fairy troll who stomped from the corner, holding a rubber chicken which he proceded to ram up Keith's oopsee-daisey. From out of the blue an elderly fellow with 2 onions strapped to his belt and spoke with a French accent, claimed to be the Count of Monte Christo who had been digging an escape tunnel for the past 75 years who said "I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?! No. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a! "

Meanwhile, 'drack who was dressed in drag, was hitchhiking his way to Pottsville to take over the Yuengling brewery. The minute he walked in, security had him. Then, without any hesitation, he turned to the guards and pulled out his gigantic, thick salami sub and sat down on a bench with the newly converted hippie, Qad....they started to converse about peace and love while Qad had a bowl of tofu and noodles....Qad hugged him and with a peace sign waving he was pulled away by security and kicked repeatedly, they threw him out the door and into a giant pile of moose dung, which was conveniently located on top of a cross dressing hippie named Qad...Qad dug his way out and tossed 'drack off his pile of dung claiming that he worked hard to collect this pile...Qad threw up the peace sign again and asked 'drack to move off his plot of dung.

'drack walked down the street to find Keith, who had escaped through the tunnel by beating the elderly Frech taunter with the rubber chicken. Keith and 'drack gazed lovingly at each other, grasped each others hands and made out for hours......swapping spit.....tongues in mouths.....in ears....hickies on necks...they made it back to Keith's Maytag box he calls his home where they proceeded to flog each other repeatedly with lunch meat. They were about to move on to using cheese, when suddenly a f*cking hippie named Qad came in a broke it up in the name of peace...drack and Keith took out a large ham steak and proceded to smack the damn hippie around with it while he begged for the pain to stop. after many brutal kicks to the back and head they threw the dirty hippie down the stairs with a bar of soap....Keith and drack went back inside and covered each other with miracle whip and peeled grapes when they heard thephantum sucking the life out of an innocent, the jumped to the resue of the victim, when they realized that Owen had not yet been dragged into this mess of a story.

So they hopped on a bus to Jersey where Owen was living with his transexual dog, and bisexual cat who wasnt quiet sure if he was really bisexual or just going through and experimental phase and was secretly envious of the transexual dog that was clearly the favorite pet. Either way the bus ride was incredibly weird because they were still wearing JUST miricle whip and hot body paint, which was what they were doing on the bus to pass the time. Then, suddenly the bus driver yelled raisins, which used to be grapes, but are now raisins due to the intense passion that they have for each other. They got off the bus and stepped over the bloody carcass of nikon, kicking him in the groin for smelling like a gerbil. After they were through kicking his bloody and smelly corpse they knocked on Owen's door. To their surprise it wasn't Owne who opened the door but none other than Mike...who, not surprisingly, was wearing nothing but Crisco and saran wrap. He asked them in and they all had potato chips and started to watch "The Young Ones" when suddnely GT popped out of the cake in the corner wearing nothing but Janet Jackson's old costume from the Superbowl half time show - post "wardrobe malfuntion". She announces that she come to avenge the Count of Monty Cristo who was previously beaten with a rubber chicken and proceeds to smother owen (who is handcuffed to the radiator and wearing a ball gag) with mustard. Then she began to scream hysterically when she saw the collection of freaks that are standing before her. She then said "Screw you guys...I'm going home" when all of the sudden Owen started convulsing because he had an alergic reation to the mustard. To keep him from swallowing his tounge Keith shoved the rubber chicken into his mouth.

Meanwhile GT gets an evil look in her eye pulls out a stealthy looking black walkie talkie and calls for back up.. "Foxforce One this is GT... we have a situation" And smiles. Nano Seconds later Martha Steward arrives fashionably on time and perfectly dressed in her plaid and pastel bustier, color coordinated to match her spring collection of k-mart towels. She immideatly scolds the host in saran wrap for his poor chioce of entertaining tupperwear and ties him up next to owen assuring everyone "Grey Poupon is a fabulous color for spring". GT leaves realising this situation being handled by a true Genius of evil. Martha then proceeds to wash behind Owen's ears using her own spit, they were simply discusting. This in turn excited Owen... It had been so long since he had a supermodel of a women share her spit with him.

This was too much for Keith and drack to take. So they promptly left Owens' love den and decided to go back to PA and see Dozer. When they got there they found that Dozer hadn't done laundy in 3 weeks, and had no clean underwear or pants, so he was wearing a tutu, while dancing around the room like a ballerina. When he realized that he had company he stopped dancing and said "I like ham". Drack then said I have a hot, succlent honey of a ham. He reached behind him and grabbed a potbellied pig...which, although not mentioned before, had been following them for hours. The pig looked at dozer quizically and said "My farts smell like Bacon". They all laughed and had a group hug. Afterwards they each shotgunned a beer and Dozer knocked himself unconcious trying to crush the can on his head. So Keith and Drack decided to Let the pig attempt mouth to mouth CPR... when the pig, whose name happened to be Hank a.ka. Geep who was worshipping a thoroughly egocentric demi god named William the Smarmy who also went by the name Troy. The pig first needed to offer a sacrifice to Troy before he could perform any life saving manuevers. So he proceeded to ban thephantom for making that comment and then relizing the error of his ways proceeded to thrash Todd about head with uncooked breakfast sausage links.

After what would become known as "The Sausage Incident", Keith and Drack found it too bizarre, so they decided to drive to Kentucky to find Keith, and as 'drack is also Keith this got terribly confusing for their simple minds so they decided to Party with the KY Keith, and we had fun visiting strip clubs and bars. We left the bars at 5 AM, and stumbled onto the road where KY Keith was run over by an 18 wheeler that squashed him so flat that Keith and Keith were able to roll him up like a carpet and take him to the nearest garage. They didn't have any money for the air pump so they mugged an old lady that was passing by and took all her quarters. Luckily they had enough and managed to re-inflate Keith, although he now looked like the Michelin man through overinflation. At this point They decided it would be nice to buy Mike a cheap hooker, but they didn't bother to check for and STD's (or STI's now). So they hopped into Drack's blinged out Libby with tweeny fo's and bumped Ludacris out tha trunk and headed toward the Limey bastard to snatch him up and drive him to the local INS office to have him deported back to his homeland of bangers and high tea. So they gangtackled Mike, hog tied him and threw him across the hood of 'dracks TJ like a bagged deer. They were just getting ready to leave when they realized that KY would not be able to fit inside due to his overinflation so they decided to Put mushrooms stamps on his face, and hope that the mail system would ship him to his destination...but the USPS will not ship limey bastards, regardless of postage. So instead they Hi-Jack a cement truck. They then went, found a plazma cutter, cut the top off of the back of the cement truck, and fit his bloated ass in there.

That task being completed they decided to drag Swamp Boy (Carl) into this little perverted tale. So they strapped overinflated Keith to the spare tire carrier and drove down to Louisanna, where they found Carl who said hog tied Mike smelled like sulfur and refuse to be a part of the story with him in it. So they all made up a big poster board sign that read: "Limey bastard loking for good home, gets along with cats, plays well with kids and is house broken - great family pet!" With that they were on there way to the local Louisiana watering hole with carl when just out side of town Overinflated Keith broke loose from the tire carrier and rolled off into a ditch filled with Frogs. Thousands and thousands of teeny tiny frogs. Which caused overinflated Keith to freak out then faint because he was afraid of frogs. When he woke up Hank, aka, geep, aka, William that had been a sto-away, jumped to give him assurance that everything would be okay. But suddenly Qadhafi (who had been deprogrammed by Nikon and was back to his hippie kicking ways) showed up and started kicking everyone repaeatedly, since they were all obviously hippies. The only one he did not kick was Hank, the potbellied pig because he didn't have steal toes boots on, and didn't want to injur his precious twinkle toes.

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ThePhantum
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Joined: 23 Jan 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 04, 2004 10:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

When suddenly, everyone realized that Candi's good name (subject to debate depending on who you talk to) had not been dragged through the muck yet. So...
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Last edited by ThePhantum on Fri Mar 05, 2004 12:24 am; edited 1 time in total
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qadhafi
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Joined: 25 Jan 2004
Location: Hippiekickerville, USA

PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2004 12:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

she went to the store and bought everyone in the story one of these.

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MonkeyBiz
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Joined: 09 Jan 2004
Location: Grand Haven Michigan

PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2004 12:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

and started doing the macarana on the hood of of the Grand.
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2004 12:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

and before you could say "Taco Grande", everyone spontaneously started doing the mambo. They hung a pinata and were blindfolding Qadhafi (or were they hanging Qadhafi and blindfolding the pinata?) when suddenly, out of the blue and without warning...
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qadhafi
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Joined: 25 Jan 2004
Location: Hippiekickerville, USA

PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2004 12:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The pinata exploded and out popped....
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2004 12:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A plethora of pork products! 5lb hams, premium cut chops, sweet juicy tenderloins, thick sliced bacon...all vacuum sealed for freshness. (The pig was relieved since no one had eaten in days and everyone had been looking at him funny). They made a huge fire and were about to have a good ol' southern BBQ when....
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qadhafi
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2004 12:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mike noticed ELF terrorists slashing of our Jeeps' Tires (yes, even the spares Shocked ). Steve shrieked shock , nikon fainted (like a little punk neaner ), Carl had explosive bowels Embarassed and Owen grabbed a sawed off pool cue..... angry
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2004 1:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

While the Keiths all clutched each other in fear, Owen charged in like Wolverine and, using the pool cue, tore the terrorists into tiny shreds. Meanwhile, while no one was looking, Candi stole all of the pork products and ran off because...
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MonkeyBiz
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Joined: 09 Jan 2004
Location: Grand Haven Michigan

PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2004 1:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

she was a member of PETA, and couldn't allow her companions to par-take in devoring of what could have been Hank's cousin.
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2004 1:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

So they were forced to instead kill hank and have a pot bellied pig pulled pork party. After the feast they decided that...
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MonkeyBiz
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Location: Grand Haven Michigan

PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2004 1:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

they would have to leave Candi behind... there was simply no way they could travel with a PETA person, that didn't want them eating meat. Candi begged and pleaded to allow her to continue on the journey with them. She was so desperate to not be left behind, she got down on her knees and promised to...
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qadhafi
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2004 2:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

kick hippies for the rest of her life. She swore it and took a blood oath. Qadhafi made her prove her newfound quest in life by ordering her to kick.....
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PostPosted: Fri Mar 05, 2004 2:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thor, Nikon and DirtyRedTJ, which she proceeded to do with an enthusiasm and zeal that brought a tear to Qadhafi's eye. "That is so beautiful" he mused, but then...
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