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Wheelin' A Virgin's Tale. Directors Cut.

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PAJeeper
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Joined: 02 Jan 2004

PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 10:20 am    Post subject: Wheelin' A Virgin's Tale. Directors Cut. Reply with quote

WARNING. The following events really happened, names have NOT been changed to protect the innocent or the guilty. Continue reading this at your own peril.

Chapter 1. The Promise of Untold Delights.

I love my Jeep, I really do. I wash it, I polish it, I frown every time I see the little paint blemish on the hood. I always wanted a Jeep, it's my baby.

Now that I have recovered sufficiently from the traumatic events of yesterday morning at the ill named Paragon ‘Adventure’ Park. I will relate this tale of the horror’s that were to unfold.

Paragon Adventure Park? I don’t think so; I never saw one fire engine or one ambulance on duty all day. Where were the Pizza Hut’s, the bars, and the sparklingly clean men’s rooms?

I digress, I will tell this story in the timeframe that it occurred.

I was led to believe that to be a ‘Jeeper’ you had to experience the wonders of Off-roading, I had previously driven across the farmer’s field, which certainly felt like off road to me. I mean, the field had just been ploughed; there were huge bumps everywhere. I foolishly listened to the like’s of ‘drack , DozerDan and Jeepchik, “Oh yeah you want to come to Paragon with us, it’s great fun”. That was my first big mistake.

Chapter 2. Let’s go for it.

Based upon the epic tales from my Jeeping peers I decided that I wanted to be a real ‘Jeeper’ and I had to experience the delights of Off-roading so I joined the next planned trip to Paragon Adventure Park. I was really looking forward to the day out, I like those thrilling rides like the Great Bear at Hershey Park, marvelous I couldn’t wait to get in there. After waiting at the nearby gas station for what seemed like hours ( the woman in the station thought she had a stalker) ‘drack, Mr’sD and Hayley arrived at 8am DST (‘drack Savings Time). We convoyed to the PAP staging area where we met the other Jeeper’s in our little offroading expedition. We disconnected our sway bars and let the air out of our tires. After introductions we formed up and ‘drack led off followed by me , next came pdougc followed by Zandril with lee-raider riding shotgun to ward off any hostile natives. I believe the stage coach got held up only last week. The whole place reminded me of the film Deliverance, creepy!

So there we were heading down these trails, the birds were singing, I thought I saw the sun at one point but I could have been mistaken. 15 mph, I was really enjoying practicing my off-roading skills. The Jeep was getting a little dirty at this point but as I always enjoy running my sheepskin covered hands all over my lovely baby’s smooth firm body umm, err, Yes well, it was very nice off-roading with my fellow Jeepers, little was I to know what just around the next bend.

Chapter 3. Torture and Mutilation.

A gently sloping trail led off into the tree’s and navigator ‘drack led the party into the unknown. As ‘drack was the holder of the ‘MAP’ and veteran of several years at PAP we blindly followed his lead. We felt very privileged to have ‘drack as Leader of the Expedition. Drop into 4WD Lo ‘drack instructed, this was a new feature that I had never tried before so I eagerly complied with the command. Shortly the gentle trail got steeper and steeper, the trail got narrow and narrower, the tree’s seemed to be leaping out in front of my path. After what seemed like forever ‘drack bought us to a halt at a huge rock field as the trail suddenly ended. ‘drack obviously took a wrong turn I thought, but I was soon to be horrified by the sight of ‘drack driving into the impossibly narrow spaces between the trees and the huge rocks interspersed with smaller boulders and even bigger stones. To my amazement ‘drack made it through the obstacles and his Jeep still seemed to be in one piece. Taking a deep breath I slowly followed ‘drack up the hideously steep rock filled trail. Over a rock, THUMP! CRUNCH! OMG, my poor baby! ”Come on, come on, your doing fine” they all shouted. Every time I smashed the underside of my precious Jeep I could see them all wince, but still they shouted ”Come on, come on, your doing fine”. After much shouting and cajoling from the assembled crowd I made it through the obstacles and falling out of my Jeep I staggered off into the seemingly impenetrable brush to throw up my breakfast. I made it back to examine my baby’s poor tortured body and mutilated underside. I could see marks on the previously unblemished differential case, horrible scrapes on my flawless canyon rims. Oh what have I done I cried, my cries were drowned out by the sound of an over revving engine as pdougc followed up behind me. CRUNCH went his rear tail light against a VW Beetle sized boulder, VROOM! went the sound of his engine, KERTHUNK! His armored front bumper smashed against another mammoth rock. What I have done! If ever there was a more relevant situation for the call to ‘Beam me up Scotty’ I don’t know of it. Another few miles of this beamed ‘drack with a maniacal laugh as he headed off again to find the next impossible obstacles for us to get through. After what seemed like an eternity of narrow gorges filled with huge rocks, gap’s in the tree’s that were so narrow that it seemed we would never get through them I thought things could not be any worse. Wrong! It started to rain, threw it down, lashing, driving rain that made the rocks even more treacherous and hostile. There were horrific sounds from the underside of my Jeep that made me think of taking up quilting. I estimate that it took 2 hours to reach the safety of the trail road back to civilization and plans for escape from this madness started to fill my every thought.

Chapter 4. Safety and Sustenance.

You can not even begin to imagine my relief at reaching the safety of the access road. Now is my chance, if I make a run for it now they will never catch me. Wrong! I was hopelessly lost, which way was out and which way led even deeper and deeper in hostile territory. Trusting Captain ‘drack to lead us to safety we had no option but to follow the intrepid Jeeper. After what seemed like miles and miles another trail beckoned. The Captain lead the way and very soon I began to feel a little more comfortable, the trail was nowhere near as difficult as the first had been and I was able to keep up with the Captain and follow in his wheel tracks (actually it was Mr’s D driving at this point). It also dawned upon me the lesson that the Captain had been telling me. Don’t use the clutch. HuH? How can you not use the clutch, Hello! It’s not an automatic you know. When I finally learned that in 4WD Lo and 1st gear it’s practically impossible to stall the engine and the Jeep will almost go up the side of a house I began to enjoy myself. Under the lovely Mr’s D’s guidance we made it safely through the trail and back to another access road where we made camp and roasted an unfortunate groundhog that lee_raider chased down and squashed it so flat you could toss it like a pancake.

Chapter 5. Cherokee Pow Wow.

After the wholesome though strangely muddy tasting lunch Captain ‘drack led off again, at this point I even felt comfortable and relaxed even. We went up we went down. We went through mud we went across streams. We came across a rain-swollen creek to the sight of a large gathering of Cherokee’s, the XJ’s not the Native Americans silly. A much modified XJ was being towed out of the creek. A very kind bloke on the far bank gave us the best line to take for the crossing. We all managed it very safely and upheld the party’s reputation under the gaze of the assembled Cherokee’s . After having left the pow-wow we carried on with heads help high. Oh! Oh! It was at this point that Captain ‘drack was promoted to Major Disaster.

Chapter 6. The Water Crossing Affair.

After several more miles we came across another creek crossing with an impossibly high drop off into the water. What made it even worse was the huge tree stump in the middle of the only possible line into the water. The Major made a point of visiting each one of us in turn and gave orders for the line to be taken into the water. “Do not under any circumstances get yourself hung up on the tree stump”. Watch how I do it and you will be fine. Doh! Major embarrassment, our intrepid leader stuck with his front wheels kissing the water his rear wheels just spinning at the top of the drop off and rocking around on the tree stump.

Did ‘drack ever escape from the clutches of the fiendish tree stump? See the next thrilling chapter.

Chapter 7. The Lone Raider (Dedicated to lee_raider honorary Jeeper)

With darkness falling, the rain swollen raging waters rising and with all attempts to free ‘drack from the clutches of the evil tree stump failing miserably I started to feel hungry. Aware that we may be stuck in the wilderness of Pennsylvania’s Appalachian Mountains and remembering the infamous Donner party cannibalism I was sizing up who would make the juiciest dinner if it ever came to the crunch. Just as starvation beckoned the throbbing sound of a mighty Detroit engine filled the air. We were saved! Deep joy! Lee-raider had returned! After mercilessly taking the piss out of ‘drack with great delight he used the power of his mighty machine to haul ‘drack out of harms way and back to safety.

After many voices rose in thanks for saving our ass, lee-raider headed off into the sunset on his trusty steed to rescue some other lost souls from the rugged PA mountains. (I know there wasn’t really a sunset because it was raining again but heh it’s my story OK.) So with Major Disaster demoted back down to Captain ‘drack again we headed back to the staging post and civilization. Up we went, down we went, up along a trail that was marked ‘Down’, through treacherous clinging mud holes but eventually we reached the car park intact. It was raining hard as we prepared for On-road travel, re-connecting our sway bars and reliving the day’s events saying fond farewells to fellow Jeepers etc etc etc. Let’s do lunch sometime etc etc.

Thanks ‘drack and special thanks to Mr’s D for all those wet wipes. I will never forget my first wheelin experience, the pain and suffering I endured will be etched upon my memory forever.
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ehirner
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 10:33 am    Post subject: Re: Wheelin' A Virgin's Tale. Directors Cut. Reply with quote

PAJeeper wrote:

Chapter 6. The Water Crossing Affair.

After several more miles we came across another creek crossing with an impossibly high drop off into the water. What made it even worse was the huge tree stump in the middle of the only possible line into the water. The Major made a point of visiting each one of us in turn and gave orders for the line to be taken into the water. “Do not under any circumstances get yourself hung up on the tree stump”. Watch how I do it and you will be fine. Doh! Major embarrassment, our intrepid leader stuck with his front wheels kissing the water his rear wheels just spinning at the top of the drop off and rocking around on the tree stump.

Did ‘drack ever escape from the clutches of the fiendish tree stump? See the next thrilling chapter.


Hehehe...I know this stump just as well. It got me too.
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Black2001TJ
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Joined: 03 Jan 2004

PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 11:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Directors Cut.


Bwahahahahahaha
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'drack
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 12:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was an easy day Mike, you shant be so lucky then next time out Wink .










































..............just waiting for his post where he bails on the 22nd flipoff agree .
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K9Jeep
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 1:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

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PAJeeper
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 1:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you insist.

This is 'drack stuck on the fiendish tree stump.

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ehirner
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 1:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

PAJeeper wrote:
If you insist.

This is 'drack stuck on the fiendish tree stump.

http://mywebpages.comcast.net/johnsiemienski/img/drack_high-centered.jpg

Yup...that's the same stump that got me. Bent up my factory skid too. When I was there, the area to the left had washed out real bad.
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'drack
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 1:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pics flipoff agree ...

Pics are pretty tame, Mike tends to be a bit excessive in his traumatized state Wink .

Although, here's a pic of our novelist where he looks like he's planning a quick escape thru the brush...


...and of course, part of "The Water Crossing"...

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'drack
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 1:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You beat me to it....I hadda search for the damn pic flipoff agree .


And btw, the red Jeep didn't get me off the stump Wink Mr. Green .
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Tx Outlaw
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 1:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

'drack wrote:
And btw, the red Jeep didn't get me off the stump Wink Mr. Green .


Maybe it should've had a green flag then. Laugh

So.... what's with the flags anyway?

Chuck
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'drack
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 2:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

They made flags mandatory after they started allowing ATV's access to the trails up there.....saftey issues. How I figure it though, the rate of speed that the quads travel, they aren't gonna see the flags until they're already over the hood and on their way past the roof line eyebrows .
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K9Jeep
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Joined: 23 Jan 2004
Location: WTF, VA

PostPosted: Sat Jan 24, 2004 6:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

'drack wrote:
....... rate of speed that the quads travel, they aren't gonna see the flags until they're already over the hood .

You obviously need more lift if a ATV can hump your hood flipoff agree
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JaySea
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Joined: 11 Jan 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2004 9:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

still love this story....even better now that we got the directors cut Wink
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Owen
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 25, 2004 9:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That trail goes the other way now... The stump has been shaved down as well.. its still always fun for people without lockers though...

K9jeep the ATV humping comment made me giggle. flipoff agree
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joyrider
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 27, 2004 10:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pics are pretty tame, Mike tends to be a bit excessive in his traumatized state Wink .

yea they don't look as bad as the story sounds. i don't know i've never been there. I'm absulutly dying to go!
I went to their website and I have all the equiptment for basic trails.
What can i expect on the basic trails? I want challenges but i don't want to ruin my jeep.
I've done some offroading, but nothing serious. (sandpits, small trails,feilds, etc...theres not really much out here. long Island is pretty flat).
What am i in store for if I go there?
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