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Why Jack Bauer is a badass

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Joined: 23 Jan 2004
Location: I knew it...I'm surrounded by Assholes!

PostPosted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 1:31 pm    Post subject: Why Jack Bauer is a badass Reply with quote

If you don't watch wont get it:
Why Jack Bauer is a badass

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

Don't ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar...

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

Jack Bauer's gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack fuking Bauer.

If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.

If Jack says "I just want to talk to him/her" and that him/her is you... well amigo, you're fuked.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he's knocked out or temporarily killed.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

Jack Bauer's family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child....Once.

While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.

David Spade always says 'yes' to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.

Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.

Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.

Everytime Jack Bauer yells "NOW!" at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.

As a child, Jack Bauer's first words were "There's no time!"

Jack Bauer isn't hiding from the world, the world is hiding from Jack Bauer.

Children don't believe in Santa anymore because they know Jack Bauer killed him. The few people that believe in Santa know that Jack Bauer is torturing him.

If Jack Bauer had been on Oceanic 815 there would no Lost.

Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.

Guns don't kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

Jack Bauer shouldn't be compared to Jesus. Jack rose from the dead not once, but twice.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fuking hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer once won a game of rock paper scissors using neither rock, paper nor scissors.

Jack Bauer brings a knife to a gun fight and always wins.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

Jack Bauer once arm wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Jack Bauer's calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Jack Bauer.

Kim Bauer once brought her father to school for a parent/teacher conference.....and got expelled for bringing a weapon onto school grounds.

Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

Jack Bauer does not use birth control, he simply demands that you not get pregnant.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef...then it's fuking beef.

Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.

Let's get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Jack Bauer doesn't have sperm; he ejaculates babies.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl.. by himself.

There are no such thing as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.

MTV Room Raiders once tried to kidnap Kim and put her on their show. Jack Bauer shot the men instantly. MTV has never tried to raid Kim's room again.

Natural selection only works because Jack Bauer personally kills all the weak creatures. Jack Bauer does not tolerate weakness.

The U.S. government fruitlessly searching for Osama Bin Laden for five years: $6 billion.
The U.S. fruitlessly searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq: $6 billion.
Jack Bauer bringing down four major terrorists in four days: Priceless.

Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not beacuase you masurbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

Jack Bauer was once picked second in a game of dodgeball. The game quickly turned into dodge-bullets. Jack is always picked first.

Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.

It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.

Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.

Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.

When President Palmer quit to start doing Allstate commercials, it took him 43 takes before he could stop saying, "You're in good hands with Jack Bauer".

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

Jack Bauer doesn't play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the Jack Bauer signal.

97 XJ Sport with a bunch of stuff
Never argue with idiots, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience
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Joined: 05 Jan 2004
Location: Out of jail now

PostPosted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 3:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow first chuck norris, then Jack Bauer these things always crack me up but SNL was the 1st with Bill Brasky

My Morning Jacket
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Joined: 06 Oct 2004
Location: Atlanta, Ga

PostPosted: Mon Mar 27, 2006 6:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jack is a BAD ASS! hell yeah that was funny!
Well, that's a fine mess!
Check out DOT Motorsports Website!
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Joined: 25 Jan 2004
Location: Hippiekickerville, USA

PostPosted: Sat Apr 08, 2006 6:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Never missed an episode. Don't plan on it either.

Look in the dictionary under "Badass" and there is a big ole' picture of Jack.
But hey, WTF do I know? I kick Hippies for fun.

Back from the Dead??
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